Not Naked, But Still Afraid: Shark Valley

Sometimes, the things we fear the most are the least of our problems. It's the unexpected things that cause the most damage. Such was the case on a bicycling trip to the Florida Everglades that my husband and I naively embarked on April 25th. Don't get me wrong. This is a wonderful place to visit. It's the only such ecosystem in the whole world. Go visit in the winter unless you're in really great shape, up to the challenge or Survivor Man. Take this post as a "what not to do" example. I would do it again... in the winter that is.

Mile 0:

We started out early morning excited and ready for a 15 mile bike ride at one of the four visitor centers of Everglades National Park known as Shark Valley. The park is a paved loop into and out of the swamp. We pretty much knew that if we didn't do it this day, we would have to leave the ride for next winter/early spring season. The scorching heat makes it pretty unbearable in the summer. Everything started out ideally with a bright day and a nice breeze blowing towards us. We were prepared with plenty of water, mosquito repellent, sunscreen, a lets do it attitude and surrounded by plenty of other cyclists as the journey began. As soon as we pedaled away from the visitor's center the excitement started. Immediately, we spotted alligators, slithering snakes, hawks, giant snails and water birds! Photographers with two foot lenses clicked away at close-ups of the gators. I guessed they weren't aware that they can sprint at about 30 miles an hour for short distances. 

Mile 2:
The further we rode, the more people we left behind until we were pretty much alone. At one point in the middle of the solitude, we ran into a handful of German tourists going in the opposite direction. They probably started the loop on the other end. Their fuchsia colored skins were glistening with sweat and looked like they were about to burst into flames. With glassy eyes focusing forward, they weren't smiling. I brushed it off thinking they just weren't used to Miami heat or exercise. Onward and forward we continued.

Happy go lucky before we knew what was in store for us.

Baby Alligators basking on a rock.

Slithering snake

Mile 4:

I start worrying about my husband. He's not used to cardio and he's looking winded and starting to sweat... A LOT. I keep nagging him to drink water and make excuses to stop when I see a patch of shade. Miami decided to break a temperature record today. It was somewhere in the mid 90's with a heat index probably of 100 degrees Fahrenheit.

Mile 5.5:

Wait, could it be?! I think I see the tower at the halfway point of the loop. It's so far that I can cover it with the tip of my thumb. I ask my husband if he could see it, but he's blinded by the sweat in his eyes. The breeze is still with us, but now it feels more like someone pointing a hot blow dryer in my face.

Mile 7.5:

Finally, we arrive at the base of the tower which is looking like the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyssey" in contrast to the surrounding vast flatness. I'm feeling a bit delirious and I'm imagining that I can hear "Also Sprach Zarathustra" playing from the building. We are both a sweaty mess and looking forward to sitting in the tower while we catch our breath and cool off with the rest of the poor souls that have reached this point. The heat has been brutal and I've been rationing my drinking water because my husband seems like he needs it more. I'm hot, but I'm handling it. Unknowingly, this is when it all starts unraveling for me. As we park the bikes, my husband yells "Take off your hat! You have a huge wasp on it!" I flung the hat across the walkway never actually seeing the wasp except for a large shadowy mass that flew past my leg. This was an omen.

The Tower:

"Oh, this is so pretty!", I'm saying as we walk up a ramp overlooking a lagoon full of rare Florida orchids, blue herons and more alligators. Several park rangers were trimming the vegetation at the facility dressed in long pants, long sleeved shirts and broad rim hats pulled down almost to their eyebrows. Casually, they are having a conversation when we hear "not even mosquito repellent works, they'll bite right through your clothes". As soon as the ominous words register in my brain, the onslaught begins. Flies... biting flies the size of hornets are buzzing us with proboscises like hummingbird beaks. They smack into us just trying to find the opportunity to sink their pinchers into our skin and take some of our precious blood. I look at my husband and his sweaty head seems to be a beacon. It's surrounded by a black swirling mass that barely budges as he tries to swat them off. The last time I could remember being in a similarly terrifying situation was in the jungles of the Yucatan searching for Mayan ruins. My fear of biting insects is well justified as those who know me are aware that I tend to attract them like honey to bears. I take off screaming and running up the spiral ramp towards the top of the tower hoping that the elevation and wind would provide a safe harbor. Unrecovered from the exhaustion, I can feel my body temperature climbing and my heart pounding in my head and ears as I sprint. My husband unable to run from a torn ligament in his ankle had to endure the torture. Three quarters up the ramp the torment stops. It's time to recover and devise a plan for escape.

Florida Alligator cooling off.

Blue Heron fishing.

The Escape:

On the overlook, I still can't see where we originated our trip. All I see is a never-ending flat expanse of grass and water dotted occasionally with islands of shrubs and trees. It looks like nothingness, but don't kid yourself. It's teaming with life. This is the "River of Grass" as the environmentalist and champion of the Florida Everglades, Marjory Stoneman Douglas dubbed it. I think of the Native Americans that lived near these areas and the hardships they learned to live with. If I was sent here for an episode of Discovery Channel's "Naked and Afraid", I would have tapped out in the first 5 minutes.

A hot mess on the tower overlook.

The clouds were starting to darken on the horizon and we felt the need to leave before getting caught in thunderstorms. We still had 7.5 miles to ride back. The escape plan didn't involve much strategy. It basically consisted of running to the bicycles and peddling swiftly, hopefully outrunning the flies. Vultures were hanging around the bike racks probably waiting for someone to drop from the blood loss; I didn't find it amusing. So, I jumped on my bike and peddled as fast as I could leaving my husband behind. It was each man for themselves at this point, but just when I thought I was safe... the flies were back. The wind had died down leaving my scent close to my body and this time they crashed into my ears, neck, and back. My only defense was to use my cap as a continuous fly swatter for the remaining seven miles. Nothing was going to slow me down, not the view, not the heat, not my husbands foot, nothing! The goal was to make it to the visitor's center PRONTO! The only thing that momentarily distracted me from my aim were two Japanese women I came across. They were cutely dressed, looking fresh, peddling leisurely, enjoying the scenery and not a single fly on them. I rocketed right past them in disbelief, envy and disgust.

Vulture waiting by the bike racks.

Finally, we arrived back at the visitor's center. My sense of relief was immense and I quietly thanked a pantheon of gods. Making a bee-line to the air-conditioned gift shop, I could have kissed the floor! In the end, we looked worse than the German tourists we ran into at the start of our journey and as we stumbled to the parking lot, back by our car... more vultures waited.

Beautiful flower among the terror.

Disclaimer: Please don't let our experience dissuade you from visiting Shark Valley. My recommendation once again is to visit in the winter when it's cool. More animals are visible and insects are almost nonexistent. You can ride bikes, hike, or even take an open tram tour through the park. Check out the park website for more information at: http://www.nps.gov/ever/index.htm. After you're done, you can visit the Miccosukee Village, go for an airboat ride or try your luck at the Miccosukee Resort and Gaming Casino.